in the beginning

its always good in the beginning
whether a few hours or months
its always good at the start
you smile a lil more
your swag is on point
you imagine a long life together
in bliss
you touch you kiss
you talk while gazing into each other’s eyes
you find no imperfections
you let your guard down just enough
illuminating your innocence and goodness
while kicking under the bed your dirty underwear
tossing in the closet that crusty dirty seaman towel from
just this morning
no fleet bottles under the counter to be seen
thats how it is in the beginning

same start different season
still gazing in the eyes of lonely lying strangers
no truth to be found
like searching for fresh produce in project corner stores
there is none
i use to hide my flaws like fat people try to hide themselves
behind others in photographs hoping no one will notice
now i highlight them and accept them and work on them
and perfect them and use them in the morning just before brushing my
teeth and just after giving my daily praise
i am alive and that is enough to confirm purpose and pride
God don’t make no mistakes
and this lonely heart ache is just part of my human condition
i will survive i will be fine

its always good in the beginning
you contemplate deleting your grindr account and
debate changing your status on facebook from single to its complicated
just a thought
drunken nights in bulldogs self medicated with
whatever vice accessible that night
bartender knows you by face and begins to prepare your drink
as you approach
its not his strong cheap cocktail that brings me back
its not the music that brings me back
its not the dirty bathroom floor soaked with urine and god knows what
no hand sanitizer or hand soap anywhere
it repulses me but maybe its that subconscious truth that these
black men no matter the smile or label they adorn
are just as in need as i am

in the beginning it was good
we all smiled
engaging and thrilled by my charm
they held hands
and occasionally caressed the back of each other
i lost myself in another drink
bored and maybe a little envious
of their seemingly loving relationship
cute like puppies before they shyt on your floor
its always like this in the beginning
five songs later i felt a caress at my waist
it was the cuter of the two without the other
needless to say we fucked that night
i didn’t care i left guilt home with my Spanx
no phone calls or remembrances the next day
no missing wallet or missing items
only two used condoms and another story to be told
verification that relationships aren’t shyt
love is a concept and fairy tales are just that