siutations such as this ii

i told myself not to hit send
that the message was out of context
i was upset with running high emotions
i should step back and take a breath

i told myself not to hit send
wounded child-like tantrum
kicking and screaming to be heard
just listen to me

i told myself not to hit send
i would regret coming off looking
weak and needy with little
self control or maturity

i pressed send
for a moment after
time and my heart stood still
no rewind anywhere to be found

like a jester before the king
i clowned myself once again
images of a babbling brook
remind me of the bigger picture

no response i power down
not only my phone but myself
technical distractions cause
unnecessary reactions

nothing can replace
face to face
communication in
situations such as this

-to paul

to kill a mockingbird

they’ve all asked and

i’ve sworn to secrecy on 

the sex of mockingbirds

who never fly south

too good to move on or 

too lazy to put forth the effort

a life of coke and leisure

i pleasure their company with mine

allowing myself to be chopped

broken down and then snorted

dirty hundreds or crisp twenties

corners of torn match books from QT

brown liquor numbs this 

brown boy’s blues

clinking of ice cubes in 

crystal tumblers 

snapping pictures posting on 

instagram and tumblr

ill never speak on the affairs or 

encounters or the events that 

circumstance and southern lust

privies me for

to kill a mockingbird is

cowardly where i’m from

me and the beast within

my feelings have become
uncontrollable at times
like learning to live with a lion
never knowing when it will happen
the lashing
the biting of hands

those who feed me
love me and
need me and
want me
not knowing me
the carnal side

submerged in
shallow dark waters
lurking beneath
striking out if
rejected neglected
not selected

there’s more to me than
meets the eye
i try to keep myself at bay
singing lullabies
like the mother of a colic child
someday my prince will come

i haven’t come to terms with the
beast within me
him hates being alone
i detest his consuming company
covering mirrors
closing blinds

why bother

he tossed me the Bible and
told me to read
my life was not being lived like
God intended
zooming away in something shiny and new

new testament
new life
new joy
old lies
old school
old beliefs that do nothing but
foreshadow an end to a wicked world

why bother
why bother
i try not to bother momma while she sleeps
but it’s time for her to wake up.
the Jesus she searching for is not
held hostage in some church that has profited
off her lack of

lack of
lack of
her lights run the threat of disconnection
but Pastor say it’s for her protection
no one wants to burn in hell
keep up with your tithes and offering
while your baby boy is baptizing himself

in dirty protein rivers flowing from
strange men who spew wicked seaman
convincing him they will supply the love he
never received from his broken home
our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name

in thy name all things are possible
i never finished reading the bible
as an english scholar plagiarism was frowned upon
he left the only salvation he was capable of providing
“amen” i mumbled while tossing
the box of trojans and
bible in the trash

situation such as this

nothing will come of this

my mind toys with the

optimism of a mustard seed

seeing only the possibility

of positivity

but my heart knows for

certain that chivalry is dead

lifeless like Jesus on the

cross in an old rural

baptist church

dusty purple pews

who knew you would be

here laying beside me

not out of want but of need

i need more

like goldfish in an

abandoned tank

more algae than water

i wanna breathe and

believe that

something will come of this

but chivalry is dead

it wasn’t love we just made

just a protein mess at best

our eyes never met

regret after regret

but at this moment we

both need each other

too lazy to live the truth

taunting thoughts tossed in

tissues  and flushed down toilets

unlimited kush

makes even the worse

situation bearable

a situation such as this

Friday After Next...Ms. Pearly Audition Tape

Still Dreaming

I’ve spent spent summer nights
Playing in the snow
Forgetting the importance of time
Forgetting rhyme and reason
Beaming with euphoria
Chapped white lips
Damn I’m sexy

Walking down dirty
Dimly lit peach tree streets
Looking for someone
Just as lonely and alive
As me
Floating above misery
Where have all the birds gone?

Rats are bold at 6am
Never minding passing humans
Passing fire hydrants
Forgetting the importance of
Hydration and rest
No rest for the geeked and weary

This old heart and red eyes of mine
Have seen and felt enough pain
No matter how worn my shoes become
I can’t walk it out
Work it out
Self medicating until my nose collapse

Perhaps this pain
My pain
I’m meant to feel
Perhaps this life
My life
I’m meant to live

Record keeper and saboteur of
Wounds
Post traumatic stress
Popping purple pills
Pursuing a purpose driven life
Even if my dreams at times become living nightmares
Damnit
At least I’m dreaming