Prayer for a Love doc: Soul healer #RVH

I hope and pray 
This is the one. 
I know it's quick, 
Some love at 
First sight shyt, but 
If it's legit, then 
I'm wit it. 
Just tired of the 
Bullshyt, 
Games people play, 
I'm getting too old and 
I'm too good for 
Hit and quit. 

So God if this is 
The one, 
I can't promise 
I'll be in 
Church every Sunday, but 
Each day...Imma strive to be a 
Better man. 

Thanks. 

Amen.

moths to a flame

you see when you’re blind and you’re looking for love
sometimes you stumble upon speeding oncoming traffic
bumping into things and people or ending up in places and
situations that may endanger you with your uninsured self

like those little rodents that run together in packs
off steep mountain cliffs to their deaths below
thumping sounds from them hitting the ground like the
beat of a night club drummer when you’re high on X

in another world in another time in another place
dancing and moving your body in a sexually hypnotic manner
hoping to entice like those sirens who lured ancient greeks with
their macabre melody moving the soul seeking the flesh

i’ve offered my flesh for a few sweaty rounds of instant passion a
spark in the dark of an absent non existent seat filling bed warming
confidant risking my mind and health becoming blinded by the
possibility of feeling complete like love songs and romance novels

the blues of a baby boy whose mind races between science and
creativity and lack of self belief and imagined lack of love if he
could only see and believe in his own talents and possibilities and
the joy he brings to each and everyone he meets and reaches

his cup runneth over with love too thirsty for dirty black dick and
clean white cocaine to see nothing will numb the pain or restore
vision but inner peace self love and filtered bottled water his luring
light attracts all like moths to a flame if only he could feel the heat

in the beginning

its always good in the beginning
whether a few hours or months
its always good at the start
you smile a lil more
your swag is on point
you imagine a long life together
in bliss
you touch you kiss
you talk while gazing into each other’s eyes
you find no imperfections
you let your guard down just enough
illuminating your innocence and goodness
while kicking under the bed your dirty underwear
tossing in the closet that crusty dirty seaman towel from
just this morning
no fleet bottles under the counter to be seen
thats how it is in the beginning

same start different season
still gazing in the eyes of lonely lying strangers
no truth to be found
like searching for fresh produce in project corner stores
there is none
i use to hide my flaws like fat people try to hide themselves
behind others in photographs hoping no one will notice
now i highlight them and accept them and work on them
and perfect them and use them in the morning just before brushing my
teeth and just after giving my daily praise
i am alive and that is enough to confirm purpose and pride
God don’t make no mistakes
and this lonely heart ache is just part of my human condition
i will survive i will be fine

its always good in the beginning
you contemplate deleting your grindr account and
debate changing your status on facebook from single to its complicated
just a thought
drunken nights in bulldogs self medicated with
whatever vice accessible that night
bartender knows you by face and begins to prepare your drink
as you approach
its not his strong cheap cocktail that brings me back
its not the music that brings me back
its not the dirty bathroom floor soaked with urine and god knows what
no hand sanitizer or hand soap anywhere
it repulses me but maybe its that subconscious truth that these
black men no matter the smile or label they adorn
are just as in need as i am

in the beginning it was good
we all smiled
engaging and thrilled by my charm
they held hands
and occasionally caressed the back of each other
i lost myself in another drink
bored and maybe a little envious
of their seemingly loving relationship
cute like puppies before they shyt on your floor
its always like this in the beginning
five songs later i felt a caress at my waist
it was the cuter of the two without the other
needless to say we fucked that night
i didn’t care i left guilt home with my Spanx
no phone calls or remembrances the next day
no missing wallet or missing items
only two used condoms and another story to be told
verification that relationships aren’t shyt
love is a concept and fairy tales are just that

siutations such as this ii

i told myself not to hit send
that the message was out of context
i was upset with running high emotions
i should step back and take a breath

i told myself not to hit send
wounded child-like tantrum
kicking and screaming to be heard
just listen to me

i told myself not to hit send
i would regret coming off looking
weak and needy with little
self control or maturity

i pressed send
for a moment after
time and my heart stood still
no rewind anywhere to be found

like a jester before the king
i clowned myself once again
images of a babbling brook
remind me of the bigger picture

no response i power down
not only my phone but myself
technical distractions cause
unnecessary reactions

nothing can replace
face to face
communication in
situations such as this

-to paul

to kill a mockingbird

they’ve all asked and

i’ve sworn to secrecy on 

the sex of mockingbirds

who never fly south

too good to move on or 

too lazy to put forth the effort

a life of coke and leisure

i pleasure their company with mine

allowing myself to be chopped

broken down and then snorted

dirty hundreds or crisp twenties

corners of torn match books from QT

brown liquor numbs this 

brown boy’s blues

clinking of ice cubes in 

crystal tumblers 

snapping pictures posting on 

instagram and tumblr

ill never speak on the affairs or 

encounters or the events that 

circumstance and southern lust

privies me for

to kill a mockingbird is

cowardly where i’m from

me and the beast within

my feelings have become
uncontrollable at times
like learning to live with a lion
never knowing when it will happen
the lashing
the biting of hands

those who feed me
love me and
need me and
want me
not knowing me
the carnal side

submerged in
shallow dark waters
lurking beneath
striking out if
rejected neglected
not selected

there’s more to me than
meets the eye
i try to keep myself at bay
singing lullabies
like the mother of a colic child
someday my prince will come

i haven’t come to terms with the
beast within me
him hates being alone
i detest his consuming company
covering mirrors
closing blinds

why bother

he tossed me the Bible and
told me to read
my life was not being lived like
God intended
zooming away in something shiny and new

new testament
new life
new joy
old lies
old school
old beliefs that do nothing but
foreshadow an end to a wicked world

why bother
why bother
i try not to bother momma while she sleeps
but it’s time for her to wake up.
the Jesus she searching for is not
held hostage in some church that has profited
off her lack of

lack of
lack of
her lights run the threat of disconnection
but Pastor say it’s for her protection
no one wants to burn in hell
keep up with your tithes and offering
while your baby boy is baptizing himself

in dirty protein rivers flowing from
strange men who spew wicked seaman
convincing him they will supply the love he
never received from his broken home
our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name

in thy name all things are possible
i never finished reading the bible
as an english scholar plagiarism was frowned upon
he left the only salvation he was capable of providing
“amen” i mumbled while tossing
the box of trojans and
bible in the trash