Monday, September 28, 2009

gratitude (Dedicated to Dr. Newton)

It’s in the midst of realizing you have nothing
But knowing you have everything
That God speaks

If you notice the distant chirp of a bird
The innocence of puppies
The cry of a child

The tranquility of a flowing stream
The bloom of flowers in Spring
The confident embrace of a father and child

In the darkness of my self imposed despair
The illusion of grandeur, only more bills,
The drive for more

For more this, for more that,
The need to feel complete,
Then God speaks

Through raging fire and flashing floods
Repossessions, illness, taxes, and death
Wealth offers little immunity to reality

In the midst of realizing you have nothing
You realize you have been blessed beyond measure
Testament of your presence; warm blood in your veins

Gratitude grants giving and grateful individuals the
Gift of blessings beyond measure even in the
Midst of nothingness-

In the midst of nothing
There is life and for life
I’m grateful.

physical attraction regret/ coke makes dare reality

like an empty bowl
next to a hot stove
i wanna write something
that will feed the soul.
i seek nourishment,
something divinely sent,
something i can chef up and put to print.

fame and profit's nice,
but this is my life,
if i can share what i learn
then it's worth the price.
it's worth the mistakes,
the late night debates,
it's worth the pain and the
dirty stains and it's worth
getting wet in the august rain

it's worth the time,
worth the senseless crimes
though i never got caught
the lies haunt my mind
can't live with regret so i try and forget and
pray those marauding thoughts will leave me
like a morning shyt

like the night i lost a friend
on some stupid shyt
spit on his dick like a geeked up trick
working street corners tryna make a lick
it wasn't bout the coke
but that shyt ain't no joke
white sparkling rows on a mirror
like dixie crytals

blinded by the dope and
the hope of wanting he
but he wanting she
and she ain't me
i wrestle with circumstances endlessly
maybe a cheap thrill
would spend the wheel
pushing this heavy load up the hill

moon out
stars bright
room dark
but it went to far
i couldn't stop my car
like a falling star or being drunk in a bar
falling on my face such disgrace
we're forever scarred

words no longer shared
replaced with awkward glares
reneged on this dare
if i could disappear
like i was never here
like i was never born

vampires never see the sun
they stay on the run
never loving one
never coming undone
never misplacing pride
let the music die
i just told a lie

friendship means more than lust
in me you can trust
but the flesh was weak and
the lust was a must and
the trust wasn't trust
like the sweet pickles bus
it just never shows up

i leave the station
my final destination
the death of me will be my need
to fly with the breeze
to just live free

to rid myself of cravings for misbehaving for
contemplations mutual stimulation
simulating acts implanted in my
genetic code and
mental overload

the trauma of being birthed
with a loving soul
innocent and free
attracted to men like me
a masculine touch
is it much too much?
i don’t know, it must have been
cause we’re no longer friends be continued

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

When there's a mole in the family 090109

At times I feel like I'm being molested
Touched in places only I should touch
Places where I'm free
Like a baby suspended in a womb
My promise and my doom
Vulnerable to the fancy of others
I can only imagine the nerves of a suspecting mother

For nine months the protector and nurturer of another
A child
So meek and mild
She imagines the smile and wonder
If it'll bear the eyes of the father
Remembering that's what made her love him
Now stressed and sometimes confused
She wonders if she can take it much
Sometimes silence makes us stronger
In the end only you determine your purpose
Your strength your sanity
You're woman
You're mother

Did she close her eyes when
He touched her
Dreams of stability can cause one to
From shamble to mansion
He got a pension plan and the only
Man I know driving a convertible
And working at the plant
My sisters rant and rave
About how much money he got
Yeah, I know he talk crazy and walk
That man with money

I sometimes block out moments of my childhood
Polluted thoughts that soil my mind
Funny how compost can produce the most reddest roses
And sweetest succulent strawberries and pain can bloom
A hurting heart beating with passion like that of
An African drum beating with emotion
And treble voices tunes of hope and forgiveness
But somehow can never forgive the one who disappointed
Me the most
Like an abandoned toy after a child has out grown him
Like that Commodore 64 covered in dust and black magic
Marker under my bed
My father grew absent from me
Like the empty desk in a full class
No pictures of my family include he

I wonder if this is why it's so easy for me
To become distant, abandon myself from
Others like forgetting to leave a trail of
Stones while you travel so you can find your
Way back home like Hansel and Gretel
Maybe I'm conditioned
Being touched and molested mentally
I guess I get it honestly
For I am my father's son

Like birds falling from the sky
To the ground they die
Discarded seaman in latex condom swirling
Downward like a trout swimming up stream
I wonder if I should have made it
Planted it
Laid it in a womb with or without consent
Heaven sent looking like me

It's funny but I think I would make a good father
Despite it all, I think my brothers are
It ain't that hard if you and your partner
Work together like the way leaves of a tree grip branches
In stormy weather I'll even sing a song to you
And I can't sing
At least not well enough for any one
But you
I'm still looking for love

Touching others with or without their consent
Molesting them with a smile and conversation
Verbal elation, sensations, mental stimulation
Not like when your mother leave you with
Someone else' child who is mentally fucked
And touches you in a way that cause you to
Question your sexuality and mentality
So often that you eventually grow to like it
Every child craves attention and touch
Never too much
It was never too much

It still is never too much at least that is
What I've been convincing myself
It is what it is
I never thought I would get this off my chest
Maybe it's this weed
But I am feeling so free right now
I used to fall asleep looking up at my fish
Swim around in their aquarium
Fish are the shyt
They saved my life
When I was drowning they taught me to breathe

We're all in this community this place
This world
How naive of us to be opinionated
And so self righteous that we place
Prices on others and things that the earth
Delivers for free in more than enough abundance
I trip off the Matrix because it really made some
Sense and so did the Color Purple and Blow
I block society's pedophiliactics- the disturbing
Tactic of conquering innocent minds and
Touching them inappropriately
Groping me with standards foreign to the righteous
Unnatural attempts at adjusting who I am for the
Benefit of others who have never read a book
Or painted a picture or dreamed of the possibility
Of making this a better place
By being a father to your kids and holding it
Down with them and the young woman that fell in love
With your eyes
Maybe she would have became better at
Being a more understanding and
Compassionate mother
Tough love don't always produce and a strong man
It may produce a sensitive punk who is to afraid to
Be the light of truth, their destiny
Maybe a little more compassion and understanding
And the mentality of, “fuck what anyone else thinks
This is my child our child
They deserve the best even if I have to give my last”
Sometimes I understand Joe Jackson
And it's scary
Forgiver them Father for they know not what they do
And someday father...(under construction; stay tuned)