don't make me wait too long

like waking up next to strangers from craigslist or
doing lines off dusty bar countertops in the dark
nothing surprises me anymore
just don’t make me wait too long

i never mind waiting just don’t make me wait too long
like finding justice in this unjust place
placing blame on another without evaluating our own home
schooling youth on how to live a wounded life surviving off anger and pain

like when your dog gets hit by a car seeking shelter
under the porch feed him hoping he will heal
ain’t no vets in the hood crippled for life never the same
just don’t make me wait too long

mama i’m sorry for being a seemingly ungrateful child at times
i hope this apology doesn’t come too late
too long i’ve loved you while being mad at you, surviving off anger and pain
now i understand you i believe in you sorry for making you wait too long

Saturday, March 16, 2013: Death of a Vampire

I found it...at the bottom of the coke bag
I found it
I had been searching and searching
Old faces replaced by new ones
Friends becoming strangers
Succubus takes shelter
Knowing I’m a lonely vampire
With a weakness for things young, wild, and free
His garlic filled seaman and cold silver touches
Crippled me
I found shelter in the dark-

Up late nights thirsting for his sweet bitter blood
Addicted to him
Hurt
Neglect
Disappointment
Disrespected
Distant
Disappearing
Drowning myself in snow falling from porcelain plates
Shoveling my way with used QT straws
No angels to be made
Just cold
Too cold
Too dark
Too old am I to be here.

2 sum it up 42313

I sometimes wished things could go back to when we got along
Spending Saturday mornings together
Stretched out on the living room floor
Watching cartoons under our homemade tents
Created from fitted sheets and box fans
We were brothers then.

I sometimes wished things could go back to when we got along
Before mama talked shyt about our daddy
Saying he was cheap and no good and a junk collector
Damaging the possibility of us knowing him better
While we were brothers and he was our father
Too young to know what was the matter.

I sometimes wished things could go back to when we got along
Before your “friends” from the heights told you I was a faggot
Teasing you for having a sweet younger brother named Brenda
Embarrassing and shaming you; you didn’t know better
They didn’t know better but hurling
Harmful words and fisted blows didn’t change a thing.

Karma is a bitch
We may not be as close as we should but we’re still brothers
And I pray no one teased his daughter the way he teased me
And I hope you both understand and know I never made the
Decision to be who I am anymore than you made the choice
Of having me as your little brother

Love always,
Brian

PS:  I don't think we turned out too bad.

i've got dreams to remember

i’m often forgetting things
i guess that comes with age
but then again it may come from
too many distractions
people’s problems that
you make your own
like finding roaches in your new home
some problems you just don’t need in your life

i’ve stroked your ego for far too long
listening to your stories often imagined
and unreal
i guess i wanted to be the only constant in your
life
the rock you could cling to
never knowing i would be tossed
across a pond of lies, deception and
hungry catfish
they’ll eat anything

this morning i woke up
in my bed alone
your things still in my closet
i didn’t bother to pack them this time
for some reason you’ve just become
less important
i have dreams to rescue
like a mother realizing her child
is about to be swept away in an ocean’s under current
i can no longer be distracted by this simple shyt
my drowning dreams need me
and so does the world

sunday morning

I could blame it on the alcohol as it makes habit of emboldening the user with courage and lust
But it wasn’t that
I could say it was the intensity and passion of our meeting, our “hooking up” but I doubt it was that either
I could say it was just me being negligent, heeding your warning a little too late, after the fact, but the reddening bruises were forming prior to your saying “don’t”
As a man should, I told you, not wanting you to feel embarrassed or ashamed not knowing it would be the first and last time I held you
I kissed you
I smelled you
I tasted you
I caressed you
I surveyed your room wanting to learn you…wondering if you had read every book on your shelf…imagining myself folding and putting away your clothes..anything to see you smile
Your smile…it captures me not because you are undeniably gorgeous…but because I know only a special heart could produce such beauty
No words, no smiles…no hugs….no small convo on the way out…I left ashamed, disappointed…only praying that you would say a prayer for me…and possibly forgive me as you attempted to make your way to church early that Sunday morning

differences (061512)

it begins with a simple disagreement
misunderstanding
two eyes not seeing the same thing
then the moment
the attitude
awkward silence

foolish pride nurtures
stubbornness

shame
guilt
selfishness

i leave without saying a word
no looking back

you finish your glass of
cheap wine

doors slammed loudly
mouths shut tightly
each of us thinking quietly
..."damn i just fucked up".

All sons need fathers

Last night I thought about the "father"
The memories
The moments
The missing face in the pictures of my dreams
Would things have been different?

Fathers
Daddies
Your sons need you
To wipe tears
To offer encouragement
To assist in the manifestation of dreams
Caterpillars emerging from caccoons

Fathers
Your sons need
You

To heal he wounds that life bring
The lessons
The choices
The situations of circumstance

Fathers
Your sons need
You

To catch balls
Or his first fall
Awaiting your arrival after
Band practice or little league
Or karate classes
Or cheerleading try outs
It don't matter
He's your son
He's you

Daddy he needs you
Daddy we need you
Father I needed you.